Fortune Cookies

A couple weeks ago I was blessed by a new friend with dinner at a Chinese restaurant.  It was so good to sit and relax and have time to talk and get to know one another.  And then she blessed me by sending all the leftovers home with me, and there were a LOT because she ordered way more food than we could eat. And believe me, I ate a lot!

I didn't get around to eating the fortune cookies until a couple days later.

You will enjoy doing something different this coming weekend.

I got to meet another new friend!  She has also been a huge blessing to me.

This year your highest priority will be your family.

It usually is, and I expect it shall be for the rest of my life.

You shall attain great wisdom with each passing year.

I'd like to think so, but sometimes I do wonder.  I certainly get more grey (silver!) hair each year!

Your life will be prosperous if you use your creativity.

Hmmm.  I guess I need to think on that one some more, and see if I can make it true for me.

A day of worry is more exhausting than a week of work.

Boy ain't THAT the truth!  I try to remind myself not to worry, but something always seems to pop in unexpectedly when  things are going well, and then BAM!  Stress, worry, anxiety, tears, inability to do anything productive.  Blech.  Times like that make me wish for Jesus' return, though.

Thankful Thursday ~ March 21

Today I am thankful for my children.  I haven't seen most of them in over two years, but that doesn't mean I'm not thankful I had them and that they are mine, my precious gifts from God.  Someday I will see them again, and I will be able to hold them and tell them how very much I love them and missed them, and how often I wished they were with me.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of them.

Three Bread Recipes from Mary

Originally posted on facebook

Three Bread Recipes from Mary

December 8, 2012 at 8:46 pm

I hate having to scroll through 100+ notes every time I want one of these recipes, so I'm copying them here :)  Everything that follows is Mary's words/thoughts.

SOURDOUGH BREAD

1 cup Sourdough starter (recipe at the bottom of this page)
2 1/2 cups all purpose flour
2 cups warm water
3 3/4- 4 1/2 cups all purpose flour (I've also used whole wheat)
3 Tbsp sugar (I've also used 1/4 cup local honey)
1 tsp salt
1/4 tsp baking soda
3 Tbsp vegetable oil
Cold water
It really is best with white flour and sugar, but not very healthy.

Mix 1 cup Sourdough Starter, 2 1/2 cups flour and 2 cups warm water in 3 quart glass bowl with wooden spoon until smooth. Cover; let stand in warm draft-free place for 8 hours. (It is best to do this the night before you plan to bake, I've found).

Add 3 3/4 cups of the flour, the sugar, salt, baking soda, and oil to the mixture; stir with wooden spoon until smooth and flour is completely absorbed. Dough should be firm enough to form into ball. If you need to add 1/2 cup more flour gradually to the mixture.

Turn dough out onto heavily floured surface; knead until smooth and elastic, about 10 minutes. (I do this step in my kitchen aid with the bread hook.) Place in greased bowl; turn greased side up. Cover, let rise in warm place until double, about 1 1/2 hours. (Dough is ready when indentation remains when touched.)

Punch down dough; divide into halves. Shape each half into a round, slightly flat loaf. (I do a baguette shape and slice it diagonally about 3 or 4 times down the length of the loaf.) Place loaves in opposite corners of greased cookie sheet. Make 3 1/4 inch slashes in each loaf. Let rise til double, about 45 minutes. ( I have sprinkled my cookie sheet with corn meal or poppy seeds before putting the loaves on. I use my Pampered Chef Bar pan- the big one- to bake both loaves on... yummy!)

Heat oven to 375 degrees. Brush loaves with cold water. Place cookie sheet in center of oven- don't let cookie sheet touch sides of oven. Bake, brushing occasionally with more cold water, until loaves sound hollow when tapped, about 50 minutes. Remove from cookie sheet, cool on wire racks.

Sourdough Starter
1 teaspoon yeast
1/4 cup warm water
3/4 cup milk
1 cup all purpose flour

Dissolve yeast in warm water in 3 quart glass bowl. Stir in milk. Stir in flour gradually. Beat until smooth. Cover with towel and let stand for 24 hours in warm draft-free place, until bubbles appear. If fermentation has not begun after 24 hours, throw away and start over. Stir well and let sit out an additional 2-3 days, until foamy.

When starter is foamy, stir well and pour into 1 quart glass crock with tightly fitting cover and store in the refrigerator. (I use a glass jar with a screw on lid that I got honey in). Starter is ready to use when a clear liquid rises to the surface. Stir before using. After using 1 cup of starter in recipe, add 3/4 cup flour and 3/4 cup milk to remaining starter in jar and cover and leave on the counter for 12 hours. Refrigerate. If bread begins losing volume, only add 1/2 cup milk and dissolve 1 teaspoon yeast in 1/4 cup warm water, then add to the remaining starter with the 3/4 cup flour.

It seems complicated, but after a few times you will become one with the bread and know exactly what it needs. Mine is my baby, and I guard my start with my life. I've heard of families passing their starts down the generations... like 100 year old starts. That's what I want my descendants to think of when they think of their weird ancestor Mary... really good Sourdough bread. And leopard print...

Just so I don't get sued for plagiarism, I took this recipe out of my old 1970's version of Betty Crocker's cookbook. Now go become a Master Baker, little grasshoppers!

My basic bread recipe that I change to suit my mood.

This is my go-to bread recipe... I have learned that as long as you have the key components to bread, you can switch up what you use as the flour, liquid, oil, etc...

Ingredients:
7-8 cups flour (I have used all whole wheat, or all white, or a mix of grains like ground oatmeal with wheat and white)
4 1/2 teaspoons yeast (2 packages)
1 cup warm water
2 cups other liquid (water, scalded then cooled to lukewarm milk, or buttermilk, or I've added powdered milk with the water)
3 Tbsp sugar
3 Tbsp oil (calls for shortening, but I like to use a healthy oil)
[If I'm using honey in place of sugar, I put 1/3 cup oil in then use the same measuring cup to pour in 1/3 cup honey... the oiled cup allows the honey to fall out without scraping]
1 Tbsp salt
butter, softened

Dissolve yeast in 1 cup warm water. Stir in other liquid, sugar (honey), oil, salt, and 4 cups of flour. Beat until smooth (I use my Kitchen Aid with the dough attachment). Mix in just enough remaining flour to make dough easy to handle.

Turn dough onto lightly floured surface and knead until smooth and elastic... about 10 minutes (I use my Kitchen Aid for this step as well). Place dough in greased bowl; turn greased side up. Allow to rise in warm place until double, about 1 hour.

Punch down dough. Divide into halves. Shape each half into a loaf and place in greased bread pan. Brush loaves with butter. Let rise until double, about an hour.

Heat oven to 350 degrees. Place loaves on low rack, making sure pans do not touch. Bake until loaves sound hollow when tapped (45-50 minutes). Remove from pans and brush with butter. Cool on wire racks.

I like to make whole wheat and honey (the honey moistens the whole wheat). If I make buttermilk bread, I use all white flour, and sugar... not at all healthy, but so good to sop up gravies and stews!!!
I also do 1/3 part whole wheat, 1/3 part white flour, and 1/3 part ground oatmeal. This makes it more nutritious, while still being soft and yummy. I have rolled this recipe with cinnamon and sugar to make a swirled bread, then used that for Kirk's French toast the next morning. Dry leftover bread becomes homemade croutons- I cover the cubed bread with a little smattering of melted butter, garlic powder, Parmesan cheese, and kosher salt (and sometimes parsley) and bake at 425 degrees until crunchy. It can be stored in a zip-lock bag for a few days.

Bread makes me happy.

Fresh ground, whole wheat bread...

Ingredients:
5 cups warm water
2 Tablespoons salt
2/3 cup oil
2/3 cup honey
3 Tablespoons yeast
1/3 cup gluten flour
10 cups (more or less) fresh ground whole wheat

Pour water in a large bowl... I use my big bowl to my Kitchen Aid mixer... add several cups of flour and start mixing with the dough hook. Add salt, oil, honey and yeast and gluten. I have to use my 1/3 cup for the oil and honey... so what I do is fill it first with oil, then honey, then oil, then honey... the honey just falls out and grabs the residual oil with it. :)  Add the last of the flour and continue mixing with dough hook until dough pulls away from side of bowl... you may need to add more flour than the recipe calls for... or pay attention and do not add all the flour if the dough appears to be pulling into a ball before all the flour has been added. Knead for 10-15 minutes... and you may wish to finish kneading it on a lightly floured counter. Place dough in oiled bowl and turn so oiled side is on top. Cover with wet cloth and allow to rise until double. Punch down and divide into 5 pieces... roll each piece into a loaf and place into greased loaf pan. Allow to rise for an hour, or until doubled. Bake at 350 for about 50 minutes... or until brown and hollow sounding when thumped lightly with finger. Remove from oven and cool on racks. :)

Wordless Wednesday ~ July 25

Memories of a Child

I think I'm ready to finish my thoughts about why June 18 is both a happy and sad day for me.

In 2007, my whole world was turned upside-down, never to return to the way it had been, or to the way it should have been.  My husband and I, who each had 6 children and then one together, were suddenly without anyone except each other.  I don't wish to get into that whole story at this time.  I've had many requests for it to be written, but I don't have it in me yet.  Someday. 

Anyway, in the fall we discovered that God was blessing us with another child.  There were a lot of mixed feelings, of course, because we definitely wanted a baby, but it was a scary time to have one.

It was a fairly normal pregnancy for me, and the "due date" came and went, as expected.  We planned for an "unassisted" home birth.  I had read so many books on pregnancy and childbirth, repeatedly, plus my experience of already having birthed 7 children gave me peace that all would be well.  The following is what I wrote on a private forum for my online friends, the morning of June 18, 2008.

9:39am
It looks like today's the day for me! Woke up at 9 (it's now 9:40) and had a "crampy" contraction, but felt different. Had another one at 9:06. Went to the bathroom and had some bloody show. So, yup, still having "cramps" every few minutes. Yeah, I know they're not really cramps, but at this stage that's what it feels like. Once things change I'll let you all know! Had to tell you first...well, second, after dh, of course!

We'd planned a quick run to Portland today to pick up more barrels, but looks like I won't be going. Not sure about dh... He buys them, cleans them out, and resells them. One of the few ways we make some money. We've been completely out for a couple weeks and are just now ready to go get more. Figures!

Oh, and the full moon is "officially" today at "universal time" 17:30, which I'm pretty sure is GMT, so in about a half hour. Nope, don't think I'll have baby exactly on the dot for full moon, but this would be my first full moon baby!

10:56am
Well, it might be pretty soon...we'll see. Having contractions every couple of minutes (haven't really timed them). Def. harder now. I have the ottoman to my glider rocker on the seat of the rocker and and a stack of pillows on top of that, then I can lean on it during a ctx. Dh rubs my lower back, which feels good. He's informed his parents that today's the day. Wish we could have been there instead of here, but that's the way life goes sometimes.
Dh has been cleaning our room all morning, vacuuming now.
I'll be back later with more news!

3:54 pm
Hello! New mommy here! Our baby boy was born about 11:50am, just less than 3 hours after I woke up. I mostly labored standing up, leaning against a pile of pillows on my chair, with dh applying pressure to my lower back--that really helped! I didn't have a clock to see, but I'm guessing it was close to 11:40 that I got down on my knees facing the bed. After a ctx, I reached down and I could feel the bag of waters there, so with the next contraction I popped it, then almost immediately I could feel his head coming out. Pretty much one ctx to push his head all the way out, then I just "rested" (hah!) and breathed until the next ctx when his body came out pretty much on it's own. Dh did great, no panicking.

After that I got up on the bed and held and snuggled with baby for a long time. He wasn't interested in nursing, cried a bit, snuffled a lot (but his lungs sound great now), and slept. Time goes quickly! It was over an hour after he was born, and I wasn't feeling the need to push out the placenta, so I handed him off to dad (after having a pan put on the floor) and got down to push it out (breathed it out, more like). It plopped out immediately... doesn't appear to be any problems.

It's 3:50 now, but haven't had my shower yet. I had to be on the phone listening in to a court hearing today about some issues with my children. Now I've had a bowl of chicken noodle soup (leftover from last night), so I'm going to go take that shower!

We don't have good measurements yet, but it looks like he weighs about 9lb 4 oz. Probably 22in long, and his feet are 3.5" long!

9:17pm
LOL I wish I could smell him! My nose is still stuffed up! He went into the shower with me, and I had dh put the new baby lotion on him...coconut oil, olive oil, lavender EO. Dh says he smells like coconut now! But I'm sure the new baby smell is still there. Maybe my nose will un-stuff soon enough for me to enjoy it!

Melie was such a sweetie and brought us dinner, chicken pot pie. We ate it all! No leftovers.

I have to say that of all my births, this was the one where I felt the most in-control.  I knew I could have the baby completely alone without panicking, but I was so very glad that Mark was there to experience it, as he should have been, since he was there to start the whole thing.  ;)

We didn't have a name chosen, so we called him Little Guy.  Some of our friends thought he looked like a little frog, so they called him Kermit.  He looked just like his brother, Adam, who looks just like his Daddy.  I enjoyed and treasured every minute I had with him, and he was very much loved and well-cared-for by both of us.

As the days went on, I did start having a lot of anxiety.  I knew we needed to leave, preferably out of state, but there was nowhere to go.  Nobody who would take us in.  It seems rare for people to be willing to reach out when someone is hurting and in real need and to help, despite any real or imagined risks to themselves.  I was alone, with nobody I knew I could trust.

July 16, when our LG wasn't even a month old yet, my nightmare became real.



You cannot imagine how many times since that day that I wish so badly that I had just listened to my gut instinct, packed up the car, and headed somewhere, anywhere, until I found someone to help me.  How many times I wish I hadn't been afraid to tell the evil lying kidnappers to go to Hell and defend my precious baby and his right to be with ME to the point of death, if necessary.  How many times I've cried myself to sleep.

We only saw him a few short times after that.

We did give him a name, even after we knew we'd never see him again, but I am not posting his name at this time for security purposes.  My hope is that someday I will see him again because he is bold enough to search for us, to want to know the truth of why he wasn't raised by his parents.  I don't care if any of my children are ever wealthy except in love and with the riches of God's grace, but I do hope that my son, and indeed all my children, will be a seeker and a guardian of Truth.

So now you know why June 18 holds good memories for me, the birth of my Little Guy.  But it also holds bad memories because my time with him was so short.  Many times I've been told that I'm a strong woman because I'm still alive and sane after having my 8 children taken away from me.  But it isn't me, because I am weak and tired and angry, if left to myself.  God's strength makes me strong.  His love helps me to still have love to give.  His peace calms me in the storm.  His joy gives me joy and laughter even in the darkness.  His promises give me hope for eternity.

Memories of a Friend

Last night I had a very hard time going to sleep.  It was after midnight, which reminded me that it was already the 18th of June.  This should be a happy day for me, but it no longer is.

Today is the birthday of my best friend growing up.  She is two years older than I.  I think we spent more time together in the 5 years we lived next door than we did sleeping, at least in the summer months.  We rode our bicycles to the swimming pool nearly every day, stopping back at her dad's grocery store for a snack on the way home.  I'm sure he really liked paying for MY treats every day!  I'm sure we usually just got a candy bar, but I remember occasionally getting a pint of ice cream.

Even after we moved away when I was 11, we still contrived to see each other regularly.  Or as often as we could convince our parents that one of us spending the night wasn't going to cause any of them any extra effort or time.  Luckily for us they quite often said, "yes."  We wrote letters to each other frequently, especially when she went away to college.  I was actually a pretty prolific letter-writer back in those days.

I remember the first time she and I went downtown shopping alone after she got her license.  It wasn't "her" town, and she was frustrated at the stupid one-way streets and alleys and missing parking lot entrances, so I convinced her to let me drive.  Yup, I didn't have a license yet, but we didn't care.  If anything, I was more careful for that reason!  That day we also both learned how to pump our own gas.  She hadn't done that yet because in Oregon you aren't allowed, and the learning opportunity hadn't come my way yet.

Tammy was one of my bridesmaids.  I was one of hers years later.  I went in a pouring rainstorm (with broken wipes) 60+ miles to Portland, after arguing with my husband about my "need to go", to the hospital for the birth of her first child. 

After my divorce and remarriage we didn't talk as often as I would have liked, but she was one of the first people I called to tell my news of my pregnancy with our first child.  She wasn't happy with me.  She tried to tell me how wrong I was to be with this man (who I am still with after 7 years, btw).  I felt that instead of sharing in my joy, she was condemning me, trying to tell me how I should live my life, that I wasn't being a good Christian.  Naturally, women are a bit more emotional during pregnancy, and I told her that I couldn't talk to her anymore, said goodbye (I think?), and hung up on her.  I only meant that I couldn't talk to her anymore at that moment, but that was the last conversation we had.  I think I cried more that night about the loss of a friend than I had cried about anything in years.  My sweet husband's love comforted me and gave me the strength to go on, though.

Her mother died of cancer nearly 4 years ago.  Mary had always been like a second mom to me, and it was very sad, especially since I never made it to see her after I knew she was sick.  I went to her funeral, awash in deep grief over my own personal tragedy (another story).  They had a time for people to get up and share their memories of Mary.  I was surrounded by people that I knew, yet I was alone there.  I somehow managed to get up in line to speak, and then I somehow managed to choke out a few sentences.  I couldn't say all the things that were on my mind, the tears choking out what my turmoiled mind managed to let escape.  "Mary loved me.  She loved me!"  I know I said a few other things, but they are lost now.

There was so much more I wanted to say.  I wanted to say that she would never have treated me the way my own mother was.  That she would done everything in her power to help me, and not cause me more grief and pain.  However much I wanted to use that time, in front of my family and friends, to give a sermon/lecture on how things should have been, I knew that it wasn't the time or place for my problems.  I still think they need to hear it, though, but I doubt that it will ever happen.

I wanted to talk to Tammy, her husband, sister, brother...but I don't think I even got a hug.  Last year I sent her birthday greetings via private message on facebook, but she didn't respond.  I still think of her, though, and I still wish her the best on this day and every day.

Tammy, if you ever read this, know that I still love you, and I miss our friendship.  I hope you have a happy family life.  You certainly have beautiful children.

There is more to why this day is a mixture of happiness and sorrow, but I have to save that for later.  Now is not the time for more tears, and yet I can't help but cry as I sit here.

Much Better Now

The little bit of herbs and whatnot that I took must have helped, because I never did get really sick.  I still cough a bit at times, but only a few times a day.  I think there were only 3 nights that I slept propped up, so not too bad!

Only a few short days left of the 60 day challenge, which I miserably failed.  At least I'm not any fatter!  I think.  I'm kind of scared to weigh and measure myself again.  :P 

We've been milking a couple of goats and cows lately.  Not mine, so I don't have to milk them every day, even though I enjoy it.  There is SO MUCH milk!  And there are more cows due to calve soon!  We've been trying to drink/use a lot of milk, but we aren't keeping up very well.  I've made yogurt, cottage cheese, eggnog, ice cream, butter and buttermilk, and lots of chocolate milk, and yet the pigs still end up getting what gets too old to use.  I've even cooked our oatmeal in milk instead of water!  I'd like to learn how to make hard cheeses, so it could be saved long-term, but it's not something I want to tackle on my own.  I'd rather be an apprentice :)

We finally got around to painting the living room.  Whenever we find some trim, I plan to paint it bright white.  Painting the colors made it much friendlier and homey, but also much darker.  The couches didn't match, they were actually pretty horrid, so I used some white sheets to brighten up the room a bit and make it all go together a bit better.  I'm sure I shall rearrange things at least once a month :)