Monday, July 16, 2012

Memories of a Child

I think I'm ready to finish my thoughts about why June 18 is both a happy and sad day for me.

In 2007, my whole world was turned upside-down, never to return to the way it had been, or to the way it should have been.  My husband and I, who each had 6 children and then one together, were suddenly without anyone except each other.  I don't wish to get into that whole story at this time.  I've had many requests for it to be written, but I don't have it in me yet.  Someday. 

Anyway, in the fall we discovered that God was blessing us with another child.  There were a lot of mixed feelings, of course, because we definitely wanted a baby, but it was a scary time to have one.

It was a fairly normal pregnancy for me, and the "due date" came and went, as expected.  We planned for an "unassisted" home birth.  I had read so many books on pregnancy and childbirth, repeatedly, plus my experience of already having birthed 7 children gave me peace that all would be well.  The following is what I wrote on a private forum for my online friends, the morning of June 18, 2008.

It looks like today's the day for me! Woke up at 9 (it's now 9:40) and had a "crampy" contraction, but felt different. Had another one at 9:06. Went to the bathroom and had some bloody show. So, yup, still having "cramps" every few minutes. Yeah, I know they're not really cramps, but at this stage that's what it feels like. Once things change I'll let you all know! Had to tell you first...well, second, after dh, of course!

We'd planned a quick run to Portland today to pick up more barrels, but looks like I won't be going. Not sure about dh... He buys them, cleans them out, and resells them. One of the few ways we make some money. We've been completely out for a couple weeks and are just now ready to go get more. Figures!

Oh, and the full moon is "officially" today at "universal time" 17:30, which I'm pretty sure is GMT, so in about a half hour. Nope, don't think I'll have baby exactly on the dot for full moon, but this would be my first full moon baby!

Well, it might be pretty soon...we'll see. Having contractions every couple of minutes (haven't really timed them). Def. harder now. I have the ottoman to my glider rocker on the seat of the rocker and and a stack of pillows on top of that, then I can lean on it during a ctx. Dh rubs my lower back, which feels good. He's informed his parents that today's the day. Wish we could have been there instead of here, but that's the way life goes sometimes.
Dh has been cleaning our room all morning, vacuuming now.
I'll be back later with more news!

3:54 pm
Hello! New mommy here! Our baby boy was born about 11:50am, just less than 3 hours after I woke up. I mostly labored standing up, leaning against a pile of pillows on my chair, with dh applying pressure to my lower back--that really helped! I didn't have a clock to see, but I'm guessing it was close to 11:40 that I got down on my knees facing the bed. After a ctx, I reached down and I could feel the bag of waters there, so with the next contraction I popped it, then almost immediately I could feel his head coming out. Pretty much one ctx to push his head all the way out, then I just "rested" (hah!) and breathed until the next ctx when his body came out pretty much on it's own. Dh did great, no panicking.

After that I got up on the bed and held and snuggled with baby for a long time. He wasn't interested in nursing, cried a bit, snuffled a lot (but his lungs sound great now), and slept. Time goes quickly! It was over an hour after he was born, and I wasn't feeling the need to push out the placenta, so I handed him off to dad (after having a pan put on the floor) and got down to push it out (breathed it out, more like). It plopped out immediately... doesn't appear to be any problems.

It's 3:50 now, but haven't had my shower yet. I had to be on the phone listening in to a court hearing today about some issues with my children. Now I've had a bowl of chicken noodle soup (leftover from last night), so I'm going to go take that shower!

We don't have good measurements yet, but it looks like he weighs about 9lb 4 oz. Probably 22in long, and his feet are 3.5" long!

LOL I wish I could smell him! My nose is still stuffed up! He went into the shower with me, and I had dh put the new baby lotion on him...coconut oil, olive oil, lavender EO. Dh says he smells like coconut now! But I'm sure the new baby smell is still there. Maybe my nose will un-stuff soon enough for me to enjoy it!

Melie was such a sweetie and brought us dinner, chicken pot pie. We ate it all! No leftovers.

I have to say that of all my births, this was the one where I felt the most in-control.  I knew I could have the baby completely alone without panicking, but I was so very glad that Mark was there to experience it, as he should have been, since he was there to start the whole thing.  ;)

We didn't have a name chosen, so we called him Little Guy.  Some of our friends thought he looked like a little frog, so they called him Kermit.  He looked just like his brother, Adam, who looks just like his Daddy.  I enjoyed and treasured every minute I had with him, and he was very much loved and well-cared-for by both of us.

As the days went on, I did start having a lot of anxiety.  I knew we needed to leave, preferably out of state, but there was nowhere to go.  Nobody who would take us in.  It seems rare for people to be willing to reach out when someone is hurting and in real need and to help, despite any real or imagined risks to themselves.  I was alone, with nobody I knew I could trust.

July 16, when our LG wasn't even a month old yet, my nightmare became real.

You cannot imagine how many times since that day that I wish so badly that I had just listened to my gut instinct, packed up the car, and headed somewhere, anywhere, until I found someone to help me.  How many times I wish I hadn't been afraid to tell the evil lying kidnappers to go to Hell and defend my precious baby and his right to be with ME to the point of death, if necessary.  How many times I've cried myself to sleep.

We only saw him a few short times after that.

We did give him a name, even after we knew we'd never see him again, but I am not posting his name at this time for security purposes.  My hope is that someday I will see him again because he is bold enough to search for us, to want to know the truth of why he wasn't raised by his parents.  I don't care if any of my children are ever wealthy except in love and with the riches of God's grace, but I do hope that my son, and indeed all my children, will be a seeker and a guardian of Truth.

So now you know why June 18 holds good memories for me, the birth of my Little Guy.  But it also holds bad memories because my time with him was so short.  Many times I've been told that I'm a strong woman because I'm still alive and sane after having my 8 children taken away from me.  But it isn't me, because I am weak and tired and angry, if left to myself.  God's strength makes me strong.  His love helps me to still have love to give.  His peace calms me in the storm.  His joy gives me joy and laughter even in the darkness.  His promises give me hope for eternity.

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