My Life According to Facebook

Since it has been so long since I wrote anything, I will share a brief summary of the year 2010 according to (some of ) my status updates on Facebook.

My Children Belong With Me

These are the emails I wrote to my parents, Raymond and Barbara Faulk, concerning my children that they are keeping from me, as well as the replies I have received.

January 21, 2014

I have to put this in writing because I would never be able to say everything on the phone.

God gave me nine beautiful children, and with that gave me the right and responsibility to care for and raise them. I have never shirked my responsibilities, nor have I wanted to.

Eight of my blessings were kidnapped from me, and the ninth nearly stolen as well.

Children will adapt to all sorts of situations in order to survive (physically and emotionally).  They might seem happy, but it doesn't mean they are.  Or they might really be happy, but it doesn't mean they wouldn't be if they were where they should be.  And is happiness the point anyway?

Children need to be with their parents, and parents need to have their children.  It's the way God planned it, so it is best and right.  Children also need their siblings, ALL of them, together with their parents.  They suffer in who knows how many ways by not living with each other as a proper family.  To be deprived of their own family is to be abused and traumatized.

You (Daddy) had your family torn apart when you were just a child.  You didn't get to see or live with your parents or your brothers and sisters after that.  Don't you think that was traumatizing to you?  To all of you?  So you ended up in a "good" home, you say, and you think you turned out just fine.  But did you?  Do you realize that the only stories you ever told us from growing up were when you were with your real family?  The only things I know about your life after you were adopted were that your adoptive dad was nice and he took you fishing and died when you were in college, and that your adoptive mom never wanted you and stole your money from your bank account and was a bit crazy.  Not ideal, not the way God intended.  So why are you intentionally and willfully creating "orphans" of your grandchildren??  Your actions, and inactions, directly contributed to four (five) of your own grandchildren being permanently removed from their rightful families by adoption.

I want my children home with me, and I always have.  They are my responsibility, not yours.  It is my right and my privilege to raise them, teach them, care for them to the best of my ability, with God's help.  Their safety is MY concern, and always has been.  If you are concerned, then your role is to pray and ask if there is any help you can offer. Your "concerns" do not override my God-given rights to parent my children.

You need to remember that you are grandparents, not their parents, and as such should be a step removed from the process of raising them.  By keeping my children from me you are harming ME, your own daughter, more than you could possibly know.  If you don't have enough concern about making things right, and helping me instead of hurting me, then how can I feel good about you having my children, and trust you to care for them properly?  How can I think of you as anything other than kidnappers?

I don't remember a single thing you ever said or did to help me get my children back.  Instead you worked with the social workers against me.  You went to court to say how marvelous you were and that my children were only great and well-adjusted because you were in their lives, nothing ever about me being a good parent. So yes, you were a conspirator to kidnapping and destroying my family.

BUT NOW you have the ability to put things to rights, to help put my family together again.  Will you do it?  Or will you hide behind the "legality" of what you're doing?  Abortion is legal, but would you take your granddaughter to Planned Parenthood?  Homosexual marriage is acceptable and "legal" in many states, so would you attend one of their weddings?  Social Services isn't even constitutional, and has mutated from an organization designed to assist families that ASK for help into essentially a kidnapping organization that destroys millions of lives every year.  They make so much money feasting on families.  Satan is at work, using them to destroy what God designed as the foundation of civilization, The Family. The government of this country is not God-fearing, but is a god unto itself, and one which many people worship willingly. 

Joshua 24:14-15 "Now therefore fear the LORD, and serve him in sincerity and in truth: and put away the gods which your fathers served on the other side of the flood, and in Egypt; and serve ye the LORD.  And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD."

You "feel good" being a martyr who "must" take care of all these children, and people admire you for it.  It's perfectly acceptable by society these days to be in your position, but is that what God wants? Are you getting to live the way you should at this stage of your life?  No, you aren't.

The question I have asked repeatedly these past years and have yet to receive an answer to is this: How can you justify your attitude and actions with Scripture?  Can you show me that God is actually pleased with what you have done and are still doing today?

You ask if there's anything we need, and honestly I feel offended and hurt at that question.  This is what I need: MY family!  

So I ask you again: will you do what is right?  Will you return my children (all of them!) to me, and do whatever is necessary to protect my family from those who would destroy us?  Or will you continue to participate in our destruction?  Please help us.

(no reply)

January 25, 2014

Some more thoughts.

You probably don't know this, but the first time Mark talked to his ex
on the phone a year after she left him, she was on the verge of
returning the four younger children to him.  So why didn't she?
Because she was worried about what the judge and her friends would
think of her.  She wasn't concerned for their safety or welfare,
because she knew Mark wasn't dangerous!  She was more worried about
maintaining her image of being a victim and continuing to spread the
stories (lies), than to let the truth be known and have people look
down on her.

She also didn't have a problem with me (someone she had never met)
"supervising" visits, and then with the kids being with Mark for
weekends and even going out of state.  Why not?  Because she knew he
didn't pose a threat to anyone, that he is an honorable man.

You know what Matt is doing to Wendy and their girls.  That is what
Dixie/Symphony did to Mark and their children.  Making up stories to
put themselves in a good light with everyone while making the other
parent look evil.  I will never understand how anyone can do that to
their own children!  Children need to have both parents and be able to
love both parents, not be forced to take sides.

Dixie didn't WANT her children.  She tried to talk him into adopting
them out so she wouldn't have to care for them.  She wanted Mark to
buy or rent her a separate place to live so she could have "me" time
and work on her music (she was never a serious musician).  She talked
about committing suicide, and spoke in detail about how she was going
to do it.  And these aren't just Mark's stories, we heard from a lady
who knew Dixie before she left, and she told us even more bizarre
things that Dixie was saying to other people.

But she couldn't just leave Mark, because that would make her look
bad, so she had to wait until she had the right story to tell, and
having the kids ensured she would get plenty of welfare, too.

When we were living in Rainier, Adam was about to come home to us, we
just had to do a "home study" first.  Well, that was when we finally
had to give the social workers an address for where we were living,
and that's how they knew where to find me to steal Caleb.  (And thanks
to your email to Njoroge they had "confirmation" that there was a baby
they could take!)  Washington knew Mark wasn't dangerous, and were
going to return Adam to us, and/or return all the children to me alone
at that time.  But Oregon used the excuse that "they have children in
out-of-home care" to attempt to justify taking my baby, and then
Washington turned around and said, "well Oregon took their baby so we
can't return the other children to them."  It was all a twisted circle
of illogical reasoning, only meant to keep my children away from me,
and ensure that they kept receiving federal $$ for having them in
their "care".  Never an allegation of abuse or neglect or inability to
provide basic care.  Our rights, and those of our children, were
violated repeatedly by people who profit from tearing apart families.
They didn't know what was wrong with us (because there wasn't anything
wrong) and so they didn't know what "services" we needed (we didn't
need any).  We were allegedly "clients" of Njoroge, and yet we never
asked the state for help!  And if we really were her clients, then why
was she taking us to court to steal our children?

Is any of this anything you ever even considered?  Didn't the way
things were going bother you?  You never offered us sympathy or
support, so I can only surmise that you really thought it was all fair
and just.

(still no reply)

February 17, 2014

It's been 4 weeks, and I haven't heard a word from you.  I know you're busy with Grandad, and that's what you should be focusing on.  But you have MY children as well, when they should be with ME.

You do realize that Adam has another set of grandparents, right?  And another uncle, and a cousin.  It's appalling to me that you do nothing to allow Adam to have a relationship with his family.

When are you going to give my children back to me? When can I come get them?

(reply from my mother)

February 21, 2014

Yes...very busy...don't get to computer often, but mostly I am writing down how I can tell you how things looked from our point of view...never got to tell you that and you never told us what you said in the last email.  His other grandparents are welcome to see, phone, or email us.  I was under the impression that they don't want anything to do with all of this.  I believe they still have my address.  Talk to you soon.

February 21, 2014

"and you never told us what you said in the last email." I guess I thought we'd told you some of that stuff about Dixie, but there were a lot of things that just never got discussed.  And then when we didn't have my children either, there just wasn't an inviting atmosphere for discussion.

"His other grandparents are welcome to see, phone, or email us.  I was under the impression that they don't want anything to do with all of this.  I believe they still have my address."  I'm not sure why you think they want nothing to do with their grandson, as well as the other children.  Did Bryan tell you they sent him a wedding gift (after I told her the news)?  Mark's dad is difficult in many ways, and he doesn't want to get involved in the court battles, and therefore doesn't allow Carol, Mark's mom, to do anything either.  It's unfortunate, because it could have made a big difference w/ their other grandchildren.  Carol has attempted to keep in touch with Mark's children, but she wasn't allowed to talk to them if she called, and any mail she sent was returned.  I imagine she is tired of reaching out only to be rebuffed.  It would go a long way towards her happiness if you could send a letter (she doesn't do email), photos, and maybe make a phone call and try to get Adam and the others to talk to her.  (For that matter, it would have made a huge difference if you had done the same for ME!)  You should still have her address.  Also, you've moved at least once since she had mailing information for you.

At this point in time, what matters most is doing what is right, which is reuniting my family.  You can share " how things looked from our point of view.." if you want, it might help clarify some things for me, but it is the past.  Regardless, you knew my children were not abused or neglected, and had more than they needed and were well-loved, and yet you worked against me when I needed your support the most.

I await your reply, but even more than that I await the return of my children.

(reply from my father)

February 23, 2014

Adam also has lots of aunts and uncles and cousins in North Carolina and we haven't taken him to meet them yet either.

And to answer the questions "when are you going to give my children back to me?", and "when can I come get them?": It is not going to happen.
I am so sorry about all this, but it is what it is.

Southern Style Collards

I am not a true Southern Girl when it comes to eating.  Yes, I love fried catfish, but can't stand hush puppies, grits, or collard greens.  My Daddy was born and raised in North Carolina, and my Mommy spent the last part of her childhood there as well, so I was definitely exposed to Southern food, even though I grew up in the Pacific Northwest.  I was probably an embarrassment when we headed to the southeast for family vacations and I wouldn't eat everything.

Greens are very good for you, full of all sorts of vitamins, but there are definitely right and wrong ways to prepare them, IMO.  My favorite cooked greens have always been Swiss Chard.  Yes, even more than spinach.  As I've gotten older, and especially as I started cooking for myself, and then even more as I started growing my own greens, I've learned to enjoy beet greens, turnip greens, and even radish greens (they make a nice addition to hot & sour soup)!  Mustard greens are okay, but they have a very strong flavor, much like collards.  I think one of my issues with collards is they're so thick and tough, rather than tender.

One thing I learned a few years ago, when I first started learning about herbal extracts and tinctures, was that vinegar extracts the minerals from the plants, which then makes the minerals accessible and usable by the body.  I think the word nowadays is "bio-available".  I don't know if the old-timers understood that or not, but putting vinegar on the greens is a southern thing.  At least that's how I was raised.  As kids, the vinegar was used to make the greens palatable enough to gag down.  We usually had "hot" vinegar, but I have no idea what kind of peppers were used to make it hot.

I have pretty much avoided collards for many years, but my husband brought home a package of collards recently, already cut and cleaned.  I think he picked them up mistakenly, thinking he was grabbing lettuce.  I ignored them for as long as was decently possible, but decided I needed to tackle them before they were ready for the compost bin.  The package had a recipe and I had all the ingredients on hand, so it was a go.  While collards will likely never be my favorite green, this was definitely the best collard dish I've ever eaten!  I served the greens drained on a plate with cheesy garlic bread, and then put the "pot likker" in a mug to drink.  I did not take any photos.  Perhaps I'll get one when we eat the leftovers.

Southern Style Cut 'n Clean Greens Country Mix

• 2 Tbl olive or vegetable oil
• 2 onions, diced
• 2 garlic cloves, chopped (pretty sure I used way more)
• 2 smoked ham hocks, split if possible (I only had one ham bone)
• 2 bay leaves
• 2 quarts chicken broth (I had just finished making some)
• 1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
• 1/4 cup balsamic vinegar (I didn't have this, so I substituted another flavored vinegar)
• 1 Tbl sugar (this was the only ingredient I didn't have)
• 1/2-1 tsp red pepper flakes (I just put a dash of ground cayenne in, didn't want it too hot)
• 1 bag (12 oz) collards

Heat oil in a large stockpot.  Add onions and saute over low-medium heat until brown and caramelized, 25 or so minutes, stirring occasionally.  Add garlic during the last minute or cooking so it won't burn.

Add ham hocks, bay leaves, chicken broth, both vinegars, sugar and pepper flakes to the stockpot.  Bring to a boil, add greens and stir to submerge.  When the mixture returns to a boil, reduce heat, cover pot and boil gently for about 1 hour.  Remove bay leaves.  If you like, remove ham hocks from pot, cool them enough to handle them and then strip meat from hocks and add meat chunks back into the greens.

Meant To Be

I came to a blog today via Pinterest, because it was about living in an RV full-time. We've talked about doing that ourselves, so I'm always interested in reading how others manage to live with less space and less stuff. The blog writer mentioned in a couple of the posts that they had adopted a baby. I told myself, “don't click on the link, don't read it, it will only get you upset.” Do I listen to my own advice? Not nearly often enough, it would seem. I did walk away for a while, but returned and read their adoption story.

It was pretty much what I expected, overall. They acquired a newborn through the foster care system and cared for him for several months. The baby had a lot of health issues, and they tackled them all, going to many doctors and discussing everything with the social workers as it happened. Before the baby was a year old he was “ready” to be put up for adoption. Long story short, they got him.

The blogger didn't tell the story behind the story: why was the baby taken from his parents? Perhaps she didn't know, or didn't feel it was relevant to her story. I would venture to guess that whatever she and her husband were told by the social worker was not the truth, or at least not the whole truth. Why would I think that? Because I know first-hand that social workers in the state “child protection system” LIE. ALL THE TIME. 

The worst part were all the comments. All happy gushy sentiment that were both painful (to me) and ignorant. “Oh, I'm so happy for you! It's so obvious you were meant to be his parents!” Almost all were like that. 

Excuse me, but, “you were meant to be his parents”...Seriously? In what universe do you live?? The only people MEANT TO BE a child's parents are the PEOPLE WHO GAVE HIM LIFE! The woman who carried that baby in her womb, who labored to give birth, SHE is the one who was meant to be his mother! The man whose seed fertilized that egg and gave it life, who passed on his genes, HE is the one meant to be his father!

I previously wrote a bit about myLittle Guy. Because he was taken away from me and eventually adopted by a foster family, does that mean that I wasn't “meant to be” his mother? His older brother was also adopted, not by strangers but his grandparents. Does the fact that his birth certificate now shows their names as his parents make it true? Does that mean that he was never “meant” to be raised by his true parents? NO.

Yes, there are children who are unwanted, unloved, abused, and neglected. But it is far more rare than the state (actually federal) foster care system would like you to believe. My children were very much wanted, loved unconditionally, treasured for the gifts they were, well-provided-for and even somewhat spoiled. This is far more often the case than the foster care system would like you to believe.

Does this mean that I think adoptive parents can't love or raise a child? No. It does mean they were not MEANT to do it. And anyone who says otherwise is intentionally delusional. Just because you were chosen by some social worker panel and judge to get your name on a child's birth certificate does not make the whole scenario “meant to be.” It isn't a “God thing”, because God's design and intention is for children to be raised, trained, and taught by their REAL parents.

Nowhere in the Bible is there any suggestion that anyone else has the right to come between parents and their children. They alone are given the authority and responsibility for their child. If the parents want to give up their rights, then it's good that someone else is willing to step up and do the job, but I still believe that the parents will someday answer to God for that choice. However, if the parents did not want to give up their rights to their child, and instead it was stolen from them, then I believe that anyone who played a part in depriving that child of its parents will answer to God for their choice as well.

Adoption can be a wonderful thing, under the right circumstances. But the foster “care” system isn't it. Besides being unconstitutional it is immoral and illegal: it is kidnapping of a child, plain and simple.

In my opinion a child is ALWAYS better off with their parents.

I was meant to be a mother. My children were meant to live with me and their father. End of story.

My precious child, who was kidnapped, stolen from me, July 16, 2008.

 

My other precious son, Adam, who was stolen from me January 23, 2007, and then permanently in 2010.

Seven of my beautiful children, 2009.

Wordless Wednesday ~ June 12

Dear Aaron

This post is written as a letter to my son, but it's okay for others to read, too.

Dear Aaron,

I remember how much you hated wearing shoes as a child.  You were always barefooted, even whilst riding your Big Wheel at full-speed-ahead down the gravel driveway, and you weren't afraid of using your feet to stop you at the bottom.

Of all my children, you never flinched if I had to dig a splinter out of your foot, because you had tough feet.

I don't know how many pair of shoes your father had to buy for you because you got in the car to go somewhere with him...barefooted.

I, too, dislike wearing shoes.  I take them off every chance I get, and even prefer going outside for walks without them.  Obviously there are seasons and circumstances which demand footwear, and I have pared my foot wardrobe down to a pair of muck boots for mucky farm work, snow boots (although my muck boots are actually warmer), and water shoes for just about everything else.  Yeah, I would dig out something nicer-looking if I needed to, but those occasions are few and far between.

Just a few days ago I bought a pair of slip-on shoes at Goodwill, for those times when I need something a bit warmer than my water shoes.  We were preparing to go to a ball game with friends, and I decided to wear my new shoes, which were still in our car, so I went outside in my socks.  We busily set to work making sure we had coats and blankets packed for keeping us warm that night in the stands, and headed out.  In my friend's car.

After about a half hour of driving, as we were nearing the stadium, I suddenly realized that I never put on my shoes!  Yup, I was sitting there wearing just my socks.  It was embarrassing, but also pretty funny, and I laughed at myself.  I was willing to just go as I was, but my friend said no.  She dropped off the guys so they wouldn't miss the game and we went shopping.  Oh, and I had also left my wallet at home.  Yup, I really had it together that night!

Parking downtown in a major city isn't always that easy to find, so she dropped me off on a corner, handed me $40, and said she'd meet me at Payless shoes.  I headed into Ross first, but it was so chaotic I quickly decided to go straight to Payless.  My feet are pretty wide so I have a difficult time finding shoes that fit correctly, and I occasionally end up w/ men's shoes.  I was busy trying on shoes when my friend joined me.  There was a pair that I really liked that weren't very expensive, but they didn't fit right.  My friend suggested I try on her shoes, and she tried on the new ones.  Hers fit me, and the new ones fit her, so she bought herself a pair - hooray!  That was probably the quickest shoe shopping trip ever.

We made it back to the game, and I was able to give several other people a good laugh by sharing my story on the shuttle from the parking lot.  Yes, I agree, that's something that usually happens with children, but I'm pretty sure that was the first time I ever did it.  And you can bet that from now on I'll always be asked, before we leave, if I'm wearing shoes.

So, my son, it isn't just you :)

Love,
Mommy

Fortune Cookies

A couple weeks ago I was blessed by a new friend with dinner at a Chinese restaurant.  It was so good to sit and relax and have time to talk and get to know one another.  And then she blessed me by sending all the leftovers home with me, and there were a LOT because she ordered way more food than we could eat. And believe me, I ate a lot!

I didn't get around to eating the fortune cookies until a couple days later.

You will enjoy doing something different this coming weekend.

I got to meet another new friend!  She has also been a huge blessing to me.

This year your highest priority will be your family.

It usually is, and I expect it shall be for the rest of my life.

You shall attain great wisdom with each passing year.

I'd like to think so, but sometimes I do wonder.  I certainly get more grey (silver!) hair each year!

Your life will be prosperous if you use your creativity.

Hmmm.  I guess I need to think on that one some more, and see if I can make it true for me.

A day of worry is more exhausting than a week of work.

Boy ain't THAT the truth!  I try to remind myself not to worry, but something always seems to pop in unexpectedly when  things are going well, and then BAM!  Stress, worry, anxiety, tears, inability to do anything productive.  Blech.  Times like that make me wish for Jesus' return, though.

Thankful Thursday ~ March 21

Today I am thankful for my children.  I haven't seen most of them in over two years, but that doesn't mean I'm not thankful I had them and that they are mine, my precious gifts from God.  Someday I will see them again, and I will be able to hold them and tell them how very much I love them and missed them, and how often I wished they were with me.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of them.

Three Bread Recipes from Mary

Originally posted on facebook

Three Bread Recipes from Mary

December 8, 2012 at 8:46 pm

I hate having to scroll through 100+ notes every time I want one of these recipes, so I'm copying them here :)  Everything that follows is Mary's words/thoughts.

SOURDOUGH BREAD

1 cup Sourdough starter (recipe at the bottom of this page)
2 1/2 cups all purpose flour
2 cups warm water
3 3/4- 4 1/2 cups all purpose flour (I've also used whole wheat)
3 Tbsp sugar (I've also used 1/4 cup local honey)
1 tsp salt
1/4 tsp baking soda
3 Tbsp vegetable oil
Cold water
It really is best with white flour and sugar, but not very healthy.

Mix 1 cup Sourdough Starter, 2 1/2 cups flour and 2 cups warm water in 3 quart glass bowl with wooden spoon until smooth. Cover; let stand in warm draft-free place for 8 hours. (It is best to do this the night before you plan to bake, I've found).

Add 3 3/4 cups of the flour, the sugar, salt, baking soda, and oil to the mixture; stir with wooden spoon until smooth and flour is completely absorbed. Dough should be firm enough to form into ball. If you need to add 1/2 cup more flour gradually to the mixture.

Turn dough out onto heavily floured surface; knead until smooth and elastic, about 10 minutes. (I do this step in my kitchen aid with the bread hook.) Place in greased bowl; turn greased side up. Cover, let rise in warm place until double, about 1 1/2 hours. (Dough is ready when indentation remains when touched.)

Punch down dough; divide into halves. Shape each half into a round, slightly flat loaf. (I do a baguette shape and slice it diagonally about 3 or 4 times down the length of the loaf.) Place loaves in opposite corners of greased cookie sheet. Make 3 1/4 inch slashes in each loaf. Let rise til double, about 45 minutes. ( I have sprinkled my cookie sheet with corn meal or poppy seeds before putting the loaves on. I use my Pampered Chef Bar pan- the big one- to bake both loaves on... yummy!)

Heat oven to 375 degrees. Brush loaves with cold water. Place cookie sheet in center of oven- don't let cookie sheet touch sides of oven. Bake, brushing occasionally with more cold water, until loaves sound hollow when tapped, about 50 minutes. Remove from cookie sheet, cool on wire racks.

Sourdough Starter
1 teaspoon yeast
1/4 cup warm water
3/4 cup milk
1 cup all purpose flour

Dissolve yeast in warm water in 3 quart glass bowl. Stir in milk. Stir in flour gradually. Beat until smooth. Cover with towel and let stand for 24 hours in warm draft-free place, until bubbles appear. If fermentation has not begun after 24 hours, throw away and start over. Stir well and let sit out an additional 2-3 days, until foamy.

When starter is foamy, stir well and pour into 1 quart glass crock with tightly fitting cover and store in the refrigerator. (I use a glass jar with a screw on lid that I got honey in). Starter is ready to use when a clear liquid rises to the surface. Stir before using. After using 1 cup of starter in recipe, add 3/4 cup flour and 3/4 cup milk to remaining starter in jar and cover and leave on the counter for 12 hours. Refrigerate. If bread begins losing volume, only add 1/2 cup milk and dissolve 1 teaspoon yeast in 1/4 cup warm water, then add to the remaining starter with the 3/4 cup flour.

It seems complicated, but after a few times you will become one with the bread and know exactly what it needs. Mine is my baby, and I guard my start with my life. I've heard of families passing their starts down the generations... like 100 year old starts. That's what I want my descendants to think of when they think of their weird ancestor Mary... really good Sourdough bread. And leopard print...

Just so I don't get sued for plagiarism, I took this recipe out of my old 1970's version of Betty Crocker's cookbook. Now go become a Master Baker, little grasshoppers!

My basic bread recipe that I change to suit my mood.

This is my go-to bread recipe... I have learned that as long as you have the key components to bread, you can switch up what you use as the flour, liquid, oil, etc...

Ingredients:
7-8 cups flour (I have used all whole wheat, or all white, or a mix of grains like ground oatmeal with wheat and white)
4 1/2 teaspoons yeast (2 packages)
1 cup warm water
2 cups other liquid (water, scalded then cooled to lukewarm milk, or buttermilk, or I've added powdered milk with the water)
3 Tbsp sugar
3 Tbsp oil (calls for shortening, but I like to use a healthy oil)
[If I'm using honey in place of sugar, I put 1/3 cup oil in then use the same measuring cup to pour in 1/3 cup honey... the oiled cup allows the honey to fall out without scraping]
1 Tbsp salt
butter, softened

Dissolve yeast in 1 cup warm water. Stir in other liquid, sugar (honey), oil, salt, and 4 cups of flour. Beat until smooth (I use my Kitchen Aid with the dough attachment). Mix in just enough remaining flour to make dough easy to handle.

Turn dough onto lightly floured surface and knead until smooth and elastic... about 10 minutes (I use my Kitchen Aid for this step as well). Place dough in greased bowl; turn greased side up. Allow to rise in warm place until double, about 1 hour.

Punch down dough. Divide into halves. Shape each half into a loaf and place in greased bread pan. Brush loaves with butter. Let rise until double, about an hour.

Heat oven to 350 degrees. Place loaves on low rack, making sure pans do not touch. Bake until loaves sound hollow when tapped (45-50 minutes). Remove from pans and brush with butter. Cool on wire racks.

I like to make whole wheat and honey (the honey moistens the whole wheat). If I make buttermilk bread, I use all white flour, and sugar... not at all healthy, but so good to sop up gravies and stews!!!
I also do 1/3 part whole wheat, 1/3 part white flour, and 1/3 part ground oatmeal. This makes it more nutritious, while still being soft and yummy. I have rolled this recipe with cinnamon and sugar to make a swirled bread, then used that for Kirk's French toast the next morning. Dry leftover bread becomes homemade croutons- I cover the cubed bread with a little smattering of melted butter, garlic powder, Parmesan cheese, and kosher salt (and sometimes parsley) and bake at 425 degrees until crunchy. It can be stored in a zip-lock bag for a few days.

Bread makes me happy.

Fresh ground, whole wheat bread...

Ingredients:
5 cups warm water
2 Tablespoons salt
2/3 cup oil
2/3 cup honey
3 Tablespoons yeast
1/3 cup gluten flour
10 cups (more or less) fresh ground whole wheat

Pour water in a large bowl... I use my big bowl to my Kitchen Aid mixer... add several cups of flour and start mixing with the dough hook. Add salt, oil, honey and yeast and gluten. I have to use my 1/3 cup for the oil and honey... so what I do is fill it first with oil, then honey, then oil, then honey... the honey just falls out and grabs the residual oil with it. :)  Add the last of the flour and continue mixing with dough hook until dough pulls away from side of bowl... you may need to add more flour than the recipe calls for... or pay attention and do not add all the flour if the dough appears to be pulling into a ball before all the flour has been added. Knead for 10-15 minutes... and you may wish to finish kneading it on a lightly floured counter. Place dough in oiled bowl and turn so oiled side is on top. Cover with wet cloth and allow to rise until double. Punch down and divide into 5 pieces... roll each piece into a loaf and place into greased loaf pan. Allow to rise for an hour, or until doubled. Bake at 350 for about 50 minutes... or until brown and hollow sounding when thumped lightly with finger. Remove from oven and cool on racks. :)

Wordless Wednesday ~ July 25

Memories of a Child

I think I'm ready to finish my thoughts about why June 18 is both a happy and sad day for me.

In 2007, my whole world was turned upside-down, never to return to the way it had been, or to the way it should have been.  My husband and I, who each had 6 children and then one together, were suddenly without anyone except each other.  I don't wish to get into that whole story at this time.  I've had many requests for it to be written, but I don't have it in me yet.  Someday. 

Anyway, in the fall we discovered that God was blessing us with another child.  There were a lot of mixed feelings, of course, because we definitely wanted a baby, but it was a scary time to have one.

It was a fairly normal pregnancy for me, and the "due date" came and went, as expected.  We planned for an "unassisted" home birth.  I had read so many books on pregnancy and childbirth, repeatedly, plus my experience of already having birthed 7 children gave me peace that all would be well.  The following is what I wrote on a private forum for my online friends, the morning of June 18, 2008.

9:39am
It looks like today's the day for me! Woke up at 9 (it's now 9:40) and had a "crampy" contraction, but felt different. Had another one at 9:06. Went to the bathroom and had some bloody show. So, yup, still having "cramps" every few minutes. Yeah, I know they're not really cramps, but at this stage that's what it feels like. Once things change I'll let you all know! Had to tell you first...well, second, after dh, of course!

We'd planned a quick run to Portland today to pick up more barrels, but looks like I won't be going. Not sure about dh... He buys them, cleans them out, and resells them. One of the few ways we make some money. We've been completely out for a couple weeks and are just now ready to go get more. Figures!

Oh, and the full moon is "officially" today at "universal time" 17:30, which I'm pretty sure is GMT, so in about a half hour. Nope, don't think I'll have baby exactly on the dot for full moon, but this would be my first full moon baby!

10:56am
Well, it might be pretty soon...we'll see. Having contractions every couple of minutes (haven't really timed them). Def. harder now. I have the ottoman to my glider rocker on the seat of the rocker and and a stack of pillows on top of that, then I can lean on it during a ctx. Dh rubs my lower back, which feels good. He's informed his parents that today's the day. Wish we could have been there instead of here, but that's the way life goes sometimes.
Dh has been cleaning our room all morning, vacuuming now.
I'll be back later with more news!

3:54 pm
Hello! New mommy here! Our baby boy was born about 11:50am, just less than 3 hours after I woke up. I mostly labored standing up, leaning against a pile of pillows on my chair, with dh applying pressure to my lower back--that really helped! I didn't have a clock to see, but I'm guessing it was close to 11:40 that I got down on my knees facing the bed. After a ctx, I reached down and I could feel the bag of waters there, so with the next contraction I popped it, then almost immediately I could feel his head coming out. Pretty much one ctx to push his head all the way out, then I just "rested" (hah!) and breathed until the next ctx when his body came out pretty much on it's own. Dh did great, no panicking.

After that I got up on the bed and held and snuggled with baby for a long time. He wasn't interested in nursing, cried a bit, snuffled a lot (but his lungs sound great now), and slept. Time goes quickly! It was over an hour after he was born, and I wasn't feeling the need to push out the placenta, so I handed him off to dad (after having a pan put on the floor) and got down to push it out (breathed it out, more like). It plopped out immediately... doesn't appear to be any problems.

It's 3:50 now, but haven't had my shower yet. I had to be on the phone listening in to a court hearing today about some issues with my children. Now I've had a bowl of chicken noodle soup (leftover from last night), so I'm going to go take that shower!

We don't have good measurements yet, but it looks like he weighs about 9lb 4 oz. Probably 22in long, and his feet are 3.5" long!

9:17pm
LOL I wish I could smell him! My nose is still stuffed up! He went into the shower with me, and I had dh put the new baby lotion on him...coconut oil, olive oil, lavender EO. Dh says he smells like coconut now! But I'm sure the new baby smell is still there. Maybe my nose will un-stuff soon enough for me to enjoy it!

Melie was such a sweetie and brought us dinner, chicken pot pie. We ate it all! No leftovers.

I have to say that of all my births, this was the one where I felt the most in-control.  I knew I could have the baby completely alone without panicking, but I was so very glad that Mark was there to experience it, as he should have been, since he was there to start the whole thing.  ;)

We didn't have a name chosen, so we called him Little Guy.  Some of our friends thought he looked like a little frog, so they called him Kermit.  He looked just like his brother, Adam, who looks just like his Daddy.  I enjoyed and treasured every minute I had with him, and he was very much loved and well-cared-for by both of us.

As the days went on, I did start having a lot of anxiety.  I knew we needed to leave, preferably out of state, but there was nowhere to go.  Nobody who would take us in.  It seems rare for people to be willing to reach out when someone is hurting and in real need and to help, despite any real or imagined risks to themselves.  I was alone, with nobody I knew I could trust.

July 16, when our LG wasn't even a month old yet, my nightmare became real.



You cannot imagine how many times since that day that I wish so badly that I had just listened to my gut instinct, packed up the car, and headed somewhere, anywhere, until I found someone to help me.  How many times I wish I hadn't been afraid to tell the evil lying kidnappers to go to Hell and defend my precious baby and his right to be with ME to the point of death, if necessary.  How many times I've cried myself to sleep.

We only saw him a few short times after that.

We did give him a name, even after we knew we'd never see him again, but I am not posting his name at this time for security purposes.  My hope is that someday I will see him again because he is bold enough to search for us, to want to know the truth of why he wasn't raised by his parents.  I don't care if any of my children are ever wealthy except in love and with the riches of God's grace, but I do hope that my son, and indeed all my children, will be a seeker and a guardian of Truth.

So now you know why June 18 holds good memories for me, the birth of my Little Guy.  But it also holds bad memories because my time with him was so short.  Many times I've been told that I'm a strong woman because I'm still alive and sane after having my 8 children taken away from me.  But it isn't me, because I am weak and tired and angry, if left to myself.  God's strength makes me strong.  His love helps me to still have love to give.  His peace calms me in the storm.  His joy gives me joy and laughter even in the darkness.  His promises give me hope for eternity.